LIAR!

Over the past year, I have developed a very bad habit. Like most bad habits, it started from something small and innocent. Something as innocent as a joke intended for a quick laugh. However, not recognizing that I have a short term memory, I failed to expose this lie as a joke.

The outcome: A shocking surprise for the intended recipient a month later when that long overdue expose’ finally and accidentally came about through general conversation. It was a situation that I found humorous even after apologizing for the late revealing. I became very interested and intrigued by the art of the joke. Not necessarily the funny quip type joke, but the classic misleading type of joke.  
A well-executed joke of this nature requires a few elements. Timing, believability, and an imaginative mind. For a lengthier joke, it requires a good act behind it. It is an art form. Its perfection is proven by mislead perceptions and how far they were misled. I really began to dive into this new interest and practiced the “art”.

The problem is that no matter what the reason, at the foundation of the joke there is still a lie. The joke is constructed around that lie in order to make it a little bit more attractive and seem less harmful. A lie is simply a manipulation of the truth. So in other words, I became a liar.

I began experiencing a problem that somewhat offended but at the same time, intrigued and humored 

me even more. The problem is that nobody really trusts a liar/joker. After responding to any inquiry, I was responded to with doubt and questions of validation of my response. Sometimes I joked more, sometimes I didn’t. Even through the humor that others sometimes found, there was a seed of mistrust planted and every lie was water for nourishment of said seed.

There is a very thin line between the foundation of the joke and the joke itself. That line tends to get blurred over time. That mistrust that I mentioned before begins to further grow and it grows past the walls of words. The question in a person’s mind becomes, “if one can lie so easily about something small, I wonder how much farther that lie can go?”

Anybody who really knows me knows that I pride myself on my integrity. I have always been %100 honest where it’s more socially acceptable to lie. I do something, I acknowledge and accept whatever the consequences for my actions. I don’t hide behind lies. I’m very quick to tell the truth even in situations where something is on the line. I give credit where it’s due in all honesty even when it would be most beneficial to get ahead.

Being a man of few accomplishments so far, my integrity is something that I’ve always taken a lot of pride in. I protect it with everything. Anything that would sabotage or question that integrity is something that needs to be dealt with. So I’m going to clear the air. During this time of “jokes” I have never lied in order to lift myself up.

I refused to lie to get ahead

I refused to lie to keep myself out of trouble

I refused to lie to make myself look better.

Djuan and Mary Kelly taught me much better than that and instilled a foundation of honesty in their son.  
That being said, I am turning over a new leaf. The lies may have been jokes. People may just see it as humorous. It may not even be as serious to anyone else as I am making it out to be. However, I do not want to be, nor would my parents want me to be known or remembered as someone whose words you can’t trust. I will still joke around, but that’s something that has to be cleaned up…I refuse to be a liar.

MY 360

About six months ago, I made an assessment of my life. Figured out the things I really want out of life. I dug deep to uncover the real Julius Kelly.  I evaluated my present, and decided my future. However it wasn’t until one week ago, that I decided I needed a real change in order to make that happen. Not just a quick fix, but a real change. Real change comes over time.

Real change comes over time…

Some people would argue that point. Some feel that once you get sick of how life is, you just make a quick turnaround, and fix it right then. Wrong or right? Not for me to tell. We’re all entitled to our own opinions. This is mine.  There are some times when a quick change does work.  When you’re talking about revamping your life, however, that’s not a small change. Often times, a quick change isn’t planted and allowed for time to grow so it’s not rooted.  In those cases, a quick change is better described as a phase

Anybody who has remodeled a house in any way knows that before any job, there has to be preparation. You have to have the right tools. You have to have somewhat of a plan or vision for what you desire your finished project to look like. You have to prepare those walls to be painted. You have to measure those cabinets before you put them in. You have to have the anchors for the screws to put that shelf up on drywall. There also has to be time for the adhesive to bond or for the paint to dry. There has to be time for the work to settle.

Here’s another analogy. When trying to achieve fitness goals (especially around January first and May first[1]) there has to be more than a sudden “I’m going to hit the gym up.” There has to be shopping for healthier foods. You need to be planning your workout week for real results that will last. There is research to find out what kind of exercises would be specifically helping you. After you achieve your fitness goals, you have to keep doing these things to stay where you desire.

Real change takes time, and work. It takes Motivation and dedication.

I need a real change, and I acknowledge this. I’m not where I want to be in life, and certainly not where I need to be. I am a powerhouse of potential. What good is potential if it’s never utilized for growth into a skill or maybe even a talent? It holds the same value as an appleseed sitting on a desk.

Through these realizations and self-assessments, I have come up with a realistic plan to reach my potential. I call this plan “My 360” In a nutshell, my 360 is not just a plan but more like a lifestyle change. A 360 is a full turnaround (we’ll get more into that later) From about 4 days ago, through September eleventh[2], I will be completely revamping my life.  I will be utilizing every method of success I know from budgeting to school. I will also be working on my presentation. From outward appearance to the way I portray my personality. Social skills will be in development as well as the potential that I have. There will be time for spontaneity as well. I’m not planning on planning every aspect of every day out. That’s just overkill and to be honest, I could use a little spontaneity. Being spontaneous gives balance to life by keeping the mundane from creeping in.

Now there have already been some valid arguments to this program I’m doing. One of them being the name. Technically speaking, a 360 is a full circle. So the valid argument came up that if it’s a 360, it would just put me right where I started.  So if my goal is to change direction, then it should be called My 180. Again this is a very valid argument. However, you will hear me say this a lot on paper and in real life. Perception is everything. I don’t see it as a complete circle, but as a complete turnaround. A 180 would be stopping halfway through completely turning around. I’m completely turning around modifying myself as a do. Once I see where I am in a new light, I can decide where to go from there. The change I have in mind for myself,  is simply a restructuring of me.

Another Valid argument came up. Based on many people’s perceptions it would seem like a journey into manhood. Again that would depend on what your view is. Based on what I have allowed people to see so far, I can understand why they would think that, but knowing the full story, I can’t agree with it. I know how I define what a man is and I have been that for a very long time. For me a man isn’t defined by what everyone else see’s but by his integrity, priorities, responsibilities, strength (inner and outer) and character.  There are sacrifices that I have made for people that will never know about them simply because as a man, I have never felt that a sacrifice should be to glorify one’s self. There are decisions I have made as a man of my word that have put me in very tough situations, but I refuse to give up my word simply because it would be easier.  A man keeps his word.  At least in my perception of a man.

I’m sure plenty more arguments will arise and who knows, in time I may change the name of it if I see it a different way through this process. For now though, I believe that this is the right choice. I have been doing MY 360 for almost a week now, starting with studying for my A+ Certification[3] (Computers is one of those things I have potential in), and registering to start classes again.  I am very confident that come September, I will be where I need to be and soon after that, I hope to incorporate a wonderful lady into the life that I will have made for myself.

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[1] January First being new years resolutions and May First being the month before summer and the beach

[2] September 11^th is the final payment on my car

[3] A+ Certification is basically a certificate saying that I know my stuff when it comes to computers and makes me more hirable until I can get my degree.

Representation

First of all I will say that although I am not a religious person, I am a man who is very heavy in my faith. Now to the point. I was on youtube wastching some Sinbad stand up comedy. He told the audience he would answer their questions about something. This is how one went


Person in audience: Should a christian own a mercedes?
Sinbad: If he can't get a Bentley he should. It's how big is your faith. If your faith is only Mercedes faith, thats all you should have.

Funny but very true. See a lot of people get the idea, and I don't know where it started, that christians aren't supposed to be flashy. They are supposed to lead separate lives and be humbled.  Just because the bible says to lead a separate life didn't mean to separate yourself from luxuries in life. Any Christian that holds themselves back and says they do it for God, really needs to go back and read the bible again. No where does it talk about God blessing his children with poverty or famine.

 If you are a Christian then its more important for you to have nice things. You are Gods child. The bible even refers to you as his bride. So you can see this from two different angles. As a parent would you want your child walking around with nothing? How about as a husband or wife? Would you want your spouse representin you in the cheapest you can find? No. Thats why as men, we like to buy our women clothes and girly stuff. Lol. We like to show people what we've done for our ladies. Thats our pride. You are not considered a trophy, but you are a representation of what we are capable of.

Same goes for our children. A parent feels a certain way (or at least should) when they can't dress their kids in the nice clothes. When their kids feel like they don't have as much as the other kids and its true. They feel looked down on when their representation is bad. They know the other parents are talking about em! Even more they know their kids are feeling a certain way about it too.

So as his child or his bride, however you want to look at it, God wants us to show him off. He wants people to know he treats his kids right. His bride is taken care of. He wants us to be humble not raggedy. You can be humble with luxuries. When your humble with luxuries it just means you don't look down on others who don't have it. You are happy and proud you have them. When you start looking down on others is when you lose that humbleness. So allow God to bless you how he wants and show others how much he can do for you. .

Who I am (was?)

So Its been a while since my last post and I'm sorry its kinda down but whatever. lol. 

I know who I am. In the 26 years that I've spent with myself, I've only recently become comfortable with who I am.  That's something, that in this world, should never have happened. Before the wheels start turning and the rumors start flying, Im not gay. (but I admit it does kinda start like a coming out of the closet letter. Haha)

So who am I?  A man cursed with a good heart. In a perfect, or even decent world, that statement would be an oxymoron. "Cursed with a good heart" would be an ignorant and invalid statement by itself. But let's be real. The world we live in is far from decent and even farther from perfect. I mean take a look around. War for years, murderers and rapists out the wazoo, media promoting bad, and Justin Beiber has a movie about his life and he's only 17! Where's my movie?! You get the point though. The world is pretty bad right now. A good heart is no more than a target, where a hardened heart is protected. Now understand when I say a "good heart" I mean a "giving and open heart" People love a person with a good heart, because of what they can get out of them. Sometimes intentionally, most times not intentionally. Human nature.

If someone is offering something, why not take it? Is it wrong to take it? It was offered. So whats the problem? Answer this question.  Why take what you don't need? Taking an excessive amount of something you don't need, just because its there, is called greed. Kinda like those people you see at the buffet, grabbing a bunch of toothpicks on the way out. lol. They don't even really use all those toothpicks. but hey, they're free! (You guys knew I had to put something about food in here)

Now the fact that it is taken and used, wouldn't be so bad. The real problem comes when little to nothing is given back. Kind of like those acquaintances, that everybody has, that always call for rides but never even offer any gas money. They're getting everywhere they need/want to go, your tank is running out, your wallets getting empty from trying to refill the tank (bad enough without handin out free rides with these gas prices) and sooner or later, you have nothing left to refill the tank with.

I'm running on fumes right now, so before my tank runs out, I have to make some changes. The life of a good hearted person is a heavy and lonely life. You have countless friends, but no companionship. You have tons of love, but little to no respect. The expectations and standards that people have for you, are far above those for most others. These things can be changed but i really don't have the strength anymore to hold up the weight I've put on my shoulders.  Its possible to have a good heart and not be trampled. Just have to prioritize who you open that heart up too.

The friends I'm close to and my family will see no change. The people that have taken and given nothing back, its on them. The smiles on their faces, their relationships, their happiness, all their responsibility. I have nothing to do with it anymore. I will always be respectful, and always the gentleman that my mom n dad raised me to be. No doubt but I'm no longer sacrificing my happiness or pride for someone else's.

 This is not up for debate, not up for discussion. I don't want or need to hear "stay how you are" or "don't change". I'm tired of hearing it and more tired of people that can't or won't do it themselves expecting me to do it for them.

Boils Down

So Life is going great! Im really looking forward to all the great things that are coming up. New endeavors, New heights, same ole me!! Lol. But right now, its time to really buckle down. In preperation for these great things, I need to finish school and right now, I'm pretty far behind. So Its going to take a lot of work, and quite a few changes in my life to make it work.  I'm very confident that although some of these changes are going to be hard to make and tough to endure, it will be very beneficial to me in the long run. :-)  Time to put myself to the test. Lets see if I can do it...

"It all boils down to this moment..."

My List

Since December of 2010 I've been saying that 2011 is my year. I put a facebook post up that said. "2011 is MY YEAR BABY!" I remember I did that! Thats what it said! Lol. Well Here's why! These are the things that I want to accomplish within this year.

-Get My own place!
-Be in some kind of film project (Commercial, student film, music video anything besides porn)
-Perform at least 1 Song on stage
-Do at least 2 photoshoots
-Be in print (Magazine, Model clothing for sales ad, anything)
-Work just 1 Good Job!!
-Reach Level 40 on Call of Duty Black Ops (Hard to do when Pressed for time)
-Have a relationship at least in the works or in preparation for it. I needs me a lady.
-Give my Parents, Brother and Sister money gifts (Just because I love em)
-Have some writing published (Whether its a column in a newspaper, a small review in a magazine, whatever)
-Get my credit card paid off (whooooooo)
-Re-establish a relationship with God. If I do that then all this my change or it may all happen. Who knows?

This is a short list and I will probably be adding more to it down the line. But so you all know, Its gonna be a busy year!

BAD HABIT (Apology)

You know how you can know something, but at the same time you don't? Well Its kind of like that.

Lately, I've found myself practicing an extremely bad habit. I've been complaining a lot. Well I've been doing it for a while and lately I've been noticing it. I mean if anybody asks me how Im doing my response is usually, "Im Doing Excellent. Can't complain" but I haven't been thinking about what I've been saying. I've been complaining about work, complaining about school, complaining about life, complaining about being single, and on and on. I thought it was justified but here's the real deal. My life isn't what I want it to be because of no one but myself. 

-I can complain about No hours at work or a low pay rate all I want

but, I haven't tried hard enough to change the situation.

-I can complain about being single all I want

but, I haven't made the necessary preparations to make myself ready for a relationship.

-I can complain about still being in school all I want,

but, I honestly can't say that I've buckled down like I should have.

I can't even start to complain about my entertainment career not taking off because I haven't worked half as hard as I should have until recently.

The way I manage my time, my money, my energy, all of that is my responsibility. Nobody else manages any of that for me. If I'm in a situation I don't want to be in, then I need to change the situation.

Now there are things that I complain about that I can't change...so why complain? In retail, you have to deal with lazy, too-dependant, rude, inconsiderate jerks (Mostly customers. LOL) I can't change it so why complain? I either need to change the situation I'm in, or adapt.

When I first moved out here to NC, someone gave me a golden opportunity. One that not many people get. Why? Because that person saw a potential in me that I haven't even seen until recently. To that person, I am ashamed to say unintentionally and unknowingly, I have been letting that opportunity pass me by. That same person told me "there comes a time, when you stop TRYING to do it, and you JUST do it" I'm doing that now.

 Its a metaphor that has been used many times before but I'm taking the lion approach. A lion see's what he wants and gets it.

I'm capable of unlimited possibilities if I just go for it. But Like I said before. 2011 IS MY YEAR!!! WATCH AND SEE WHAT I DO!