Who I am (was?)

So Its been a while since my last post and I'm sorry its kinda down but whatever. lol. 

I know who I am. In the 26 years that I've spent with myself, I've only recently become comfortable with who I am.  That's something, that in this world, should never have happened. Before the wheels start turning and the rumors start flying, Im not gay. (but I admit it does kinda start like a coming out of the closet letter. Haha)

So who am I?  A man cursed with a good heart. In a perfect, or even decent world, that statement would be an oxymoron. "Cursed with a good heart" would be an ignorant and invalid statement by itself. But let's be real. The world we live in is far from decent and even farther from perfect. I mean take a look around. War for years, murderers and rapists out the wazoo, media promoting bad, and Justin Beiber has a movie about his life and he's only 17! Where's my movie?! You get the point though. The world is pretty bad right now. A good heart is no more than a target, where a hardened heart is protected. Now understand when I say a "good heart" I mean a "giving and open heart" People love a person with a good heart, because of what they can get out of them. Sometimes intentionally, most times not intentionally. Human nature.

If someone is offering something, why not take it? Is it wrong to take it? It was offered. So whats the problem? Answer this question.  Why take what you don't need? Taking an excessive amount of something you don't need, just because its there, is called greed. Kinda like those people you see at the buffet, grabbing a bunch of toothpicks on the way out. lol. They don't even really use all those toothpicks. but hey, they're free! (You guys knew I had to put something about food in here)

Now the fact that it is taken and used, wouldn't be so bad. The real problem comes when little to nothing is given back. Kind of like those acquaintances, that everybody has, that always call for rides but never even offer any gas money. They're getting everywhere they need/want to go, your tank is running out, your wallets getting empty from trying to refill the tank (bad enough without handin out free rides with these gas prices) and sooner or later, you have nothing left to refill the tank with.

I'm running on fumes right now, so before my tank runs out, I have to make some changes. The life of a good hearted person is a heavy and lonely life. You have countless friends, but no companionship. You have tons of love, but little to no respect. The expectations and standards that people have for you, are far above those for most others. These things can be changed but i really don't have the strength anymore to hold up the weight I've put on my shoulders.  Its possible to have a good heart and not be trampled. Just have to prioritize who you open that heart up too.

The friends I'm close to and my family will see no change. The people that have taken and given nothing back, its on them. The smiles on their faces, their relationships, their happiness, all their responsibility. I have nothing to do with it anymore. I will always be respectful, and always the gentleman that my mom n dad raised me to be. No doubt but I'm no longer sacrificing my happiness or pride for someone else's.

 This is not up for debate, not up for discussion. I don't want or need to hear "stay how you are" or "don't change". I'm tired of hearing it and more tired of people that can't or won't do it themselves expecting me to do it for them.

Boils Down

So Life is going great! Im really looking forward to all the great things that are coming up. New endeavors, New heights, same ole me!! Lol. But right now, its time to really buckle down. In preperation for these great things, I need to finish school and right now, I'm pretty far behind. So Its going to take a lot of work, and quite a few changes in my life to make it work.  I'm very confident that although some of these changes are going to be hard to make and tough to endure, it will be very beneficial to me in the long run. :-)  Time to put myself to the test. Lets see if I can do it...

"It all boils down to this moment..."

My List

Since December of 2010 I've been saying that 2011 is my year. I put a facebook post up that said. "2011 is MY YEAR BABY!" I remember I did that! Thats what it said! Lol. Well Here's why! These are the things that I want to accomplish within this year.

-Get My own place!
-Be in some kind of film project (Commercial, student film, music video anything besides porn)
-Perform at least 1 Song on stage
-Do at least 2 photoshoots
-Be in print (Magazine, Model clothing for sales ad, anything)
-Work just 1 Good Job!!
-Reach Level 40 on Call of Duty Black Ops (Hard to do when Pressed for time)
-Have a relationship at least in the works or in preparation for it. I needs me a lady.
-Give my Parents, Brother and Sister money gifts (Just because I love em)
-Have some writing published (Whether its a column in a newspaper, a small review in a magazine, whatever)
-Get my credit card paid off (whooooooo)
-Re-establish a relationship with God. If I do that then all this my change or it may all happen. Who knows?

This is a short list and I will probably be adding more to it down the line. But so you all know, Its gonna be a busy year!

BAD HABIT (Apology)

You know how you can know something, but at the same time you don't? Well Its kind of like that.

Lately, I've found myself practicing an extremely bad habit. I've been complaining a lot. Well I've been doing it for a while and lately I've been noticing it. I mean if anybody asks me how Im doing my response is usually, "Im Doing Excellent. Can't complain" but I haven't been thinking about what I've been saying. I've been complaining about work, complaining about school, complaining about life, complaining about being single, and on and on. I thought it was justified but here's the real deal. My life isn't what I want it to be because of no one but myself. 

-I can complain about No hours at work or a low pay rate all I want

but, I haven't tried hard enough to change the situation.

-I can complain about being single all I want

but, I haven't made the necessary preparations to make myself ready for a relationship.

-I can complain about still being in school all I want,

but, I honestly can't say that I've buckled down like I should have.

I can't even start to complain about my entertainment career not taking off because I haven't worked half as hard as I should have until recently.

The way I manage my time, my money, my energy, all of that is my responsibility. Nobody else manages any of that for me. If I'm in a situation I don't want to be in, then I need to change the situation.

Now there are things that I complain about that I can't change...so why complain? In retail, you have to deal with lazy, too-dependant, rude, inconsiderate jerks (Mostly customers. LOL) I can't change it so why complain? I either need to change the situation I'm in, or adapt.

When I first moved out here to NC, someone gave me a golden opportunity. One that not many people get. Why? Because that person saw a potential in me that I haven't even seen until recently. To that person, I am ashamed to say unintentionally and unknowingly, I have been letting that opportunity pass me by. That same person told me "there comes a time, when you stop TRYING to do it, and you JUST do it" I'm doing that now.

 Its a metaphor that has been used many times before but I'm taking the lion approach. A lion see's what he wants and gets it.

I'm capable of unlimited possibilities if I just go for it. But Like I said before. 2011 IS MY YEAR!!! WATCH AND SEE WHAT I DO!